Debris From My Brain

I haven’t known what to write about these last couple of weeks.  So much is going on right now – good things, mostly, but overwhelming for now.  Not ready to write about it yet.

So…what else is there…?

Stuff.

I will never understand why people feel the need to comment negatively on a person’s website?  I had a comment recently in which someone told me I should just write out my recipes without interjecting all my thoughts and feelings about the process as I went along.  Really?  Says who?  I’m not writing a cookbook.  I’m writing for me, mostly.  If you don’t like how I write, then fine, you aren’t obligated to keep reading, or to come back.  But why feel the need to tell me how I should write so that YOU will come back?  If you are going to be rude to me, frankly, I don’t care if you come back or not.  Do people not realize how they come across?  Or do they not care?  Since this is the relative anonymity of the internet, I suppose people feel they can be as impolite as they want to be without repercussion.

I realize this is nothing new.  Trolls will be trolls.  I just don’t understand why.

~~~

For various reasons, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching…self-examination…all that looking-inward stuff.  Thinking about going into therapy to get some help sorting through all the gunk in my head.  Looking at patterns of behavior that I realize have not changed, in some ways, since I was a kid.  Ugh.  Why am I still like this?  How do I stop? 

A good friend suggested I figure out how I want to be…how I imagine my life will be after therapy does its thing…so I’m working on that. 

I want to be a better person.

There are things about me that cripple me in different ways, and I know I have been my own stumbling block in so many ways for so long.  Patterns that repeat in my family…patterns I want to stop, or change, so my kids don’t repeat my mistakes.

I’ve come to realize that fear, in one form or another, has been a big factor in how I behave.  It was an ugly thing to recognize.  Fear stops you from growing.  Fear makes you do things you wish you hadn’t done…and it makes you look back on your life later and wish you’d done things you didn’t do.

Fear is a giant leech.

I remember reading something somewhere about how everything we do is based either in love or fear.  Love.  Fear. 

I’ve wasted too much time operating from fear.

Not 100% of the time.  But too much, nonetheless.

So…there’s that.

~~~

Any suggestions on what to eat when you’ve made yourself into a nervous wreck and you feel like if you eat you’ll vomit, but you know you need to eat because it’ll be long time before you get a chance to eat again and if you don’t eat you’ll probably end up with a headache?

Just curious.

~~~

My kids are growing up too fast.  My son will be ten on his next birthday.

Ten.

He’s so excited.  Double digits.

How can he be nearly ten?  He’s just a tiny baby…

~~~

That’s about all I can pull together today. 

How are things with you?

Comments

[Donna B.]

Negativity, to me, seems to be only given from/through people who are unhappy in their own lives. I personally LOVE your interjecting on your posts through your recipes. I want that sort of insight! That way when I'm preparing something, and "something doesn't go right", looking back on your post I can see what you did and emulate it to get myself right back on track.
Don't let them haggard you! You're better than that!

Hmm... food... food... Food to make you feel good... Comfort food.
Sushi. Or Mac'n'cheese... Eggplant Parm... mmmm.... [haha, my favorite 'uneasy' food is simple plain white rice with a fried egg & hot dog and topped with ketchup. Don't ask...]

I don't want you to be in this funk!!!
Things are going GREAT!!!
And I just cannot wait to see what you are doing for Alex's cake this year... so exciting!

[GradualDazzle]

Malt o' Meal or Cream of Wheat is a good choice... or rice pudding, not too sweet.

I have gotten to the point that when I encounter inexplicably negative people, I worry more about what's going on in their own head that makes them behave that way. I can't take it personally because it's obviously NOT personal. Twenty-some-odd years ago when I was first married, my husband (who's much older than I am and much more logical-minded) told me something that has since colored my entire outlook on interpersonal relationships. He said, "Sometimes you just have to let people have a problem. It doesn't have to be YOUR problem."

I'm in a bit of a funk, myself. Struggling.

[Liz]

Jayne,

Sorry to hear you have to deal with a troll. They just have to ruin the moment don't they? I think you have the right mindset about it though. "Don't like my style of writing? You don't have to read it" I personally love the way you write. Your thoughts and interjections in the recipes are awesome. It's like you and I are cooking together and having a conversation. I really like that. I also really like your photos of the process. I am such a visual learner, I need those to make my brain "get it" Keep doing what you are doing, it's working for the vast majority of your readers and for yourself.

It's a shame that your tummy hates you right now, seeing as you love food! It's just not fair! I have to force myself to eat sometimes. I usually go with bananas. My tummy can handle the blandness. They aren't so big that it's a chore to eat. And they are healthy. It's a win win for me. Good luck with your tummy issues.

The only thing I can say about fear is, it is what you let it be. My therapist told me that. Other than that, it just plain sucks. I really do admire you for writing so freely about it. I haven't been able to do that yet. I feel pressured to be one way and feel another way.

To make a long story short. I love your blog. I love how you write. Keep it up lady! You're doing great!

[dreamalittledreamalot]

You are so creative and inspiring that I'm amazed by how much you manage to cram into a day! I think we can be way too hard on ourselves, give yourself a break :) Some advice I should take ;)

[Kat]

Awwww sweetie! I can get recipes from a book--I come to you for the conversation that occurs during a home-cooked meal. I love it!!
My comfort food is chipped beef. Crispy toast, creamy sauce, salty bits of meat, just-the-right amount of carbs to feel not overly-full...
Okay, here's my "therapy." It's all Josh Ritter, so maybe it's nutty, but at least it's free?!
Read his essays/blog entries here: http://thebookofjubilations.tumblr.com/post/15633632996/making-a-life-in-music-vol-2-goals
Now of course, he's talking music, but just replace "art/music" with "life" or "family" or whatever.
Next, listen to "Why." http://joshritter.com/2012/02/20/bringing-in-the-darlings-ep/
Then grab the world by the horns!
Or do what I do...realize the solution is right there in case I feel like I should do something! But for now, a cuddle with the kitty will suffice.

[Alex]

I love all your comments through your recipes please don't change it! Love to read all your posts they are so great. Comfort food that I had today because I was down on the dumps too BREAD PUDDING with Custard. Ohh yes I love my classics specially when it comes comfort food. So I had potatoes with sauerkraut and little German hamburgers. The best was the dessert the bread pudding which so easy and wonderful. Told my little one we can have that for breakfast too tomorrow morning. I hope you feel a little better tomorrow.hugs

[A Facebook User]

I love your recipe posts. I really feel like I get a look at how you put a dish together. Your asides also really make me laugh. There will always be negative people, but it stinks that one of them decided to speak out to you. Keep up the good work. I've made a few of your recipes and loved that I got to sort of hear you in my head as I made them.

[RoseAnn]

Trolls suck. I, for one, and not alone by the read of it, love the commentary that you provide with your recipes. I consider myself an "experienced beginner" when it comes to cooking and I like tips and tricks to make me more confident when I try new things.

The first thing that comes to mind for food to eat when your tummy's nervous/upset is bananas. Some good nutrients without strong flavor or texture. Portable, not overly fragile, no special prep or utensils requires. Of course, I know some people have an aversion to bananas so if you're one of those, that wouldn't help you much.

I have found therapy to be very helpful. I go back whenever I find that I can't work through an issue on my own and it's going on for too long. Lately my problem has been anger. It's directed at a specific person (well-deserved, IMO) and I don't have regular contact with that person (one source of the anger). I'm generally a happy, positive person and I know I'm wasting precious energy on this but in a way it has given me a place to store a lot of negative energy. Just not sure when that becomes unproductive.

{{{Hugs}}} I always look forward to your posts. I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now.

[Laural]

I love your comments to the recipes. Please don't stop! My go to (from childhood) for a quesy stomach - toast and hot tea. :)

[Lynn]

As a dear, departed friend of mine was fond of saying, "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke". Don't change a thing, dear - you're aces with me. Trolls are deeply unhappy with themselves, they run others down to make themselves feel better.

When my nerves are jangled and I don't want to eat, my go-to foods are cereal, pasta or toast. Sometimes I make soft-boiled eggs over toast - my mom used to fix that for me when I was sick.

Hang in there, kiddo.

[Heidi]

How I have missed your posts. I have been looking each day and there was nothing new for a spell. I started to worry about you. And I only know you through cooking and writing and wonderful pictures you post! Don't listen to Trolls. The internet gives awful unhappy people a vehicle to be vile without repercussions. You make 1000x more people happy than the few Trolls that are roaming out there.

Fear - as others have said.......it is only what you let it become. Easier said than done for sure.

Comfort food: Make yourself a cup of hot chocolate and buttered toast. Then dip the toast into the hot chocolate. Savory and sweet and you will no longer feel like throwing up.

Be good to yourself.....

[Pam]

I have also been checking daily after your post you had wrote first about your funk. I have been worried also as you have not written as much as you usually do.

I would not change a thing about the way you write. I love the thought process you write about as your cooking. One of my dearest friends writes the same way with her food blog and I love it. Escpecially at the times when I go I would think exactly the same thing!

Also with your conversations it is like talking to a friend. I think if I knew you we would be friends and you would be like my friend a mentioned. I have always said I want to be her when I grow up.

[na]

So sorry to hear you're in a funk. I was too, early this week. I ate chocolate, lots of dark chocolate. It didn't really help though cuz I felt full(in a nasty way) afterward.

[judith]

See there, we're all in agreement, we love your comments and the way you write. Unhappy people strive to find fault in others or try to make others unhappy. I vote for Cream of Wheat. Hope you feel better real soon.

[Wandering Chopsticks]

Trolls suck and people don't realize the impact they have on the blogger. I put a disclaimer on my comments that tell people I'll delete them if they interfere with my happy place. We put so much of ourselves out there, and the people who don't appreciate it can just go away. Seriously. I hate people who bug me for recipes, who never say thank you, who never give me feedback, and then come out of the woodwork to complain. It happens to all of us, but it still leaves me in a funk afterward too.

Also, like everyone else, we clearly come here because we like all the extras you put in around the recipe. I made dyed crackled eggs because of you. And gonna attempt corned venison and jerky since all your homemade meat posts have been so inspiring.

My comfort meal is a hot bowl of soup. Doesn't matter what kind. I love soups. Hang in there.

[Mary Ann]

Jayne--I love your blog. I always check to see what you have to say and I love how you write and show pictures of your food creations and your children. I must say that when I was having a bla day or a down in the dumps day you helped me get out of my funk. Keep up the great work!

[tracey]

Trolls suck. I'm sorry. I, too, love all the extras and insights. Who you are is who you are, Jayne, and I love who you are. Trolls can suck it.

I mostly think they deserve a verbal smackdown as a deterrent and so I frequently do that. My latest troll -- who thought I was too "one-sided" about something -- inspired me to write a new post which includes ALL the opinions of the old post with their opposites stated immediately thereafter.

It basically reads like, "I hate this but I also love it. You should do this, then again, you probably shouldn't," that kind of thing, etc. I don't know. It was oddly fun to go NUTS trying to include "the other side."

Maybe that's mean, but I wouldn't put up with an a-hole in my real house, so why should I put up with one in my cyber house? I pay for it, too. We get to set the "tone" we want -- either in our houses or on our blogs -- and if a troll doesn't like it, boo-bye, Slappy.

[adammarley]

I haven't been able to do that yet. I feel pressured to be one way and feel another way.